Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize