Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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