Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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