My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize