Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
