it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
