she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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