Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
