If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I understand Curling. That high.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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