idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
