I CAN MOONWALK!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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