Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
