Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
