DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
