i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
