Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
