apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
