Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
