Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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