First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just invented taco cereal.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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