evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
