My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
