dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
