i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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