I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize