if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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