WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
