dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
