Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
