Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
