Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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