I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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