Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
