I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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