So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
