He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
