shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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