I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
