Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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