Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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