He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
