bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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