I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
