You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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