I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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