i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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