So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
