I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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