Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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