I accidentally burped into my bong.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
