Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize