shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
