So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
